Never ending journey

It wasn't what I expected. For some reason when I was little I thought all I have to do is survive until I am 18. Then life would be perfect. I would be all grown-up. I would answer only to myself. I would be respected. I would be content. I would stop searching. I would know that this is where and when I was supposed to be.

Will my child cause your favorite teacher to be laid off?

Last week there was an article in our local paper titled, "Special Education costs blamed for (school) layoffs". Lucky for Boo this is not her school we are talking about. However it struck a chord. Why must we pit one against another?

Our town is small. We do not have many businesses therefore the tax burden rests on the property owners. Frequently we see battles pitting the school department against the municipal side of the budget. This is the first time, to my recollection that we are putting students (and their needs) against one another.

I am extraordinarily grateful that this article was not about our town. Yet I live with a fear that it will be soon and we should explore ways to avoid it at all costs.  

The Mommy War with herself

The other day Rachel from Tao of Poop had a wonderful post about how she wonders why she says she is JUST a stay-at-home mom. See, Rachel brings up a great point. What happened that made us think poorly of ourselves, and others, for being a stay-at-home mom.

Quite frankly I blame ourselves. We women are to blame for the mommy wars. And I am not talking about the war between the stay-at-home and working mom. But the war we have with ourselves.

Small

This post is part of Lisa-Jo Baker's Five Minute Fridays. Where you take 5 minutes and just write. No editing, no second guessing, no censoring. Ready, set, go...

SMALL

I sometimes feel so small as a mom. It doesn't help that I am petite. But I feel small when I do not have the answers. When I wonder am I handling this discipline issue the right way. When I look at how my children love me and feel so small and unworthy of their praise.

I feel small when I think about all of Boo's varying issues and science doesn't have the answers. I feel small when it seems the next step is to high for me to reach.

I feel overwhelmed and so small and so inadequate as a parent on days when I cannot figure out the math homework. When I do not keep the house as neat as I should. When I am at work and the girls are on school vacation. When I make cheese, crackers and fruit dinner because I just cannot face cooking one more meal.

But then I look at my girls sleeping and my heart instead of being to small grows 10 times too big as it explodes with love for these two little girls who have changed my life in ways I never imagined.

I grow larger than my height when I realize how these two little girls have changed me. How I am more vocal, more confident, more than I ever dreamed motherhood would be.

I no longer feel small.

STOP

 

It's okay she is turning colors...

Add another diagnosis to Boo's repertoire. Okay, not another one but "color changes" has officially been updated to Raynaud's Disease. With this polar vortex happening, her color changes have become more pronounced and she is for the first time telling me, "hands hurt".

Which is good.

Don't hide

It used to make my heart stop. When I would see other children Boo's age and think WHY CAN'T SHE JUST (insert whatever they did). I still get smacked in the head now and then to be honest. 

I'm guilty

I admit it, I'm guilty of sucking at Valentine's Day. I am guilty of forgetting to get David a card until minutes before the deadline. I refuse to get the children gifts. David, I went all 1980's and made a mix-tape, well CD, for him of his favorite 1980's music. Jen would be proud. But like all of my mix-tapes it was probably the wrong theme of the week!

I'm old

A warning to anyone under 30-ish and/or childless, this post probably isn't for you. It contains a lot of truth but will probably make you either jealous or want to punch me in the throat for crushing your dreams. But here are some truisms that you just don't get until you are on the dark side of 30 with children. Or (insert gasp) older with children.

Got my motivation....

The DJ Jen needs some songs to get motivated. It is hard enough to motivate myself yet I am there for a friend in need. But motivated for what? That is where I struggled. Then I listened to some really bad radio.

So Jen, here are the five songs guaranteed to motivate me to change the station!

Got humor?

How to survive life as a parent with special needs. Okay that is a lofty goal! It is hard enough navigating parenting with a child who is typical. Add in a few diagnoses and life can get overwhelming. But here is my go-to list for surviving the life I never expected.

My best dream ever....

When I was little I had a very active imagination. My parents would put me to bed and I would spend hours imagining a life other than the one I was currently living. Sometimes I was a princess, sometimes I was a warrior and sometimes I was just a girl living a different life.

Friendships

The other day I was texting with Kristi over at Finding Ninee. Kristi started blogging right after I did. We found one another through a link-up and supported one another before she got all famous and stuff. She was my first blogging friend turned real-life friend. Kristi is the one I can text at 11pm with something that is so wrong it is funny. 

Thanks but I'd rather have a glass of wine....

It was difficult to find the thanks this week. But I'm going to try because Lizzi is hounding encouraging me. But this week was full of floods.