Mom the year....so not

This is really in poor taste with what happened in CT and to the poor families who are truly suffering.  But oh well….here I vent!

Last night we took the girls on the Polar Express. A friend works it as Santa and was able to comp some tickets for us and his grandchildren who are Allie/Boo’s age. The other kids had so much fun. Boo was okay. First when the elves came she freaked but they were very nice elves and she ended up high-fiving them until Santa got on the train. Then all bets were off. She freaked! She was fine when he was at the end of the train, away from us, but when he talked to the kids she started screaming for the elves to “COME ERE” (away from Santa). She got really nervous that they would be hurt, I guess. Then he walked to us and tried to talk to Boo. She tried to hide in my shirt. She didn’t cry but she was terrified.

The thing with Boo is that she doesn’t cry, she retreats into herself. Which to me is more heartbreaking. Santa left the train and all was well.

Until this morning….when I left the house wearing the wrong shoes, forgot my badge, went to CVS to find out that the insurance rejected Boo’s medication (CVS is awesome though and is figuring it out for me), get to Boo’s school to find out that this morning is their Christmas play and that Santa would be making a visit. So here I am at the school, mom of the year not knowing about the darn play, wearing the wrong shoes. So I send a quick text to work saying I’m going to be late. EXCEPT I am not, because the aides tell me not to stay. That Boo won’t realize I am there anyway and they know I have to work. Then the aide I love, tells me it will probably break my heart to see Boo not doing anything when all the kids are acting out the  gingerbread play and Boo just stands there. That they promise to take care of her, and when Santa arrives they will keep her in the back of the room and if needed they will go for a walk during that time.

So I left.

And I HATE THIS!!!

I hate that I was relieved not to have to sit thru the freaking play. But more that I didn’t want to watch her sit there. That I am a jerk of a mom who didn't sit and support my child doing the best she could. I also hate that I don’t want to be here, at work. I WANT to want to be at the school.   

I suck at this.

I have TWO presents for Boo for Christmas. If I am being honest, if it wasn’t for Allie I wouldn’t even have Christmas. I mean I would still buy stuff for family, decorate and be in the spirit. But I wouldn’t have to deal with this whole crap load of crap feeling that Boo doesn’t WANT anything. She is content to have her puppy. Heck, I would probably be more in the spirit of the holiday if I could just relax and not let other's expectations affect my own.

But because I know if she doesn’t have something from Santa that is going to open a whole lot of questions from Allie. On top of it that family is making me feel like crap because they think I should buy stuff just to fill the tree (for both girls) regardless of the fact that one I cannot afford it and two that it make me depressed to see all this stuff just sitting there and Boo not using it at all—her room currently has 2 baby carriages, a high chair and cradle that were Allie’s that she is not interested in at all.

The rational, sane part of my head/heart reminds the flipped out side that last Christmas Boo wasn’t even talking so be happy with where she is. And I am, I promise.

But I am also sucking at this!!!!