Sometimes I have to remember I have a husband. He is not home often, if he is not at his first job he has found a second or a friend in need of his help. I usually joke I am a single parent with a dual income. Not to minimize what single parents go through. But at night when the girls are in bed I realize it has been about a week since I last had a conversation with the man.
And that conversation had nothing to do with US but with the girls. What appointment Boo had that day or Allie needed help with something. Or hey, can you feed the puppy? These conversations usually happen as the other one is walking out the door.
Thank goodness for texting. Cause at this point that should count for conversation!
So I was trying to find a way to reconnect. Without the girls. In a moment of (what I now think was) sheer insanity, I booked us a weekend away. Just the two of us. No friends, not children, no family, no puppy. A short 3-4 hour drive away. Far enough that I won't come back early. Close enough that I can get back early. (Yes, the extended February vacation had something to do with my insanity). Close to wineries and a hard cider mill. Shopping, hiking, who knows. Just being a couple for almost two days. Well, what I should have done was make the reservations for right then, rather than in a couple of months. Because....
Holy crap what was I thinking?
Now, in the interest of honesty I never had a problem leaving Allie for the weekend. Heck, we even flew across the country to Vegas one year for a long weekend. I could leave Allie anywhere with anyone. I am not saying that I love Allie less. It is just I could meet someone at the post office and they would gladly take her home.
Allie is easy.
I have a couple of friends that will take crazy puppy. Ones that want a puppy and then take Bailey and realize they like their house dog-hair free. But they love to take him from time to time.
Bailey is easy.
Boo is the hard one. And hard is the wrong word. First, I don't like being away from Boo. I have done it before. We went away for a week and left Boo and Allie with my parents. I worried the entire time I was gone. I called home (FROM ARUBA!) at least 3 times a day to check on her. Looking back, it was easier to leave Boo when she was not mobile or really 'developing'. She was in a great daycare where she just hung out. So my parents were not with her for 24/7. They got 8 hours off during the day. And still they were completely worn out by the time we got home. But a weekend? That is 48 hours of non-stop Boo.
I worry about people not being able to handle Boo. She doesn't always sleep through the night. She hits her head when she is frustrated. She needs a translater. We know what she is saying, but the uninitiated....Boo misses us now. She realizes when we are not there. And after this weekend, when she was so constipated she screamed for almost a whole day until I finally got the medication to work then we had the opposite problem. Will some one not used to this type of thing understand and not panic?
Boo is also lovely, a cuddler and a great little kid. She has the best hugs and is freaking hysterical when she gets excited about something.
We have a few trusted babysitters. Those who can 'handle' Boo for a couple of hours. They are generally teens and don't have to cook, clean or do anything other than hang with the girls for few hours.
But a weekend? There are maybe a handful of people I could ask. More importantly that I would trust.
I think they would rather have the crazy puppy.
Now I am in a quandry. Do we still take our weekend and act like adults? Or do we bring the girls along with us? Or do we just cancel and plan a more family-centered getaway?
When I brought this up to Husband he replied, in typical male fashion, "whatever you want to do". Yeah, that helped.
So now I am in a quandry. Do I take a weekend to reconnect with my husband? Or do we take the girls with us and reconnect as a family away from therapies and other commitments?
What about you? How do you remember you have a husband? Other than when it is time to do the laundry?
The life and times of Boo. A girl without a diagnosis but with unlimited possibilities!
I am so NOT the person to offer advice. 1. We have NEVER hired a babysitter. Tucker's 3 1/2, and never. Really. Because of...well, I don't need to get into it here but many of the reasons you worry about for Boo. Tucker doesn't "get" "mommy and daddy will be back in a while and we'll have fun." Sure, he does fine in school but they are trained for it, there are other kids, blah blah blah.
ReplyDeleteI like to think he misses us more than he maybe does. Yeah, he cries when one of us leaves, but often doesn't mention our absence much once we're gone.
And my husband would be equally unhelpful and say exactly what yours did "whatever you want to do."
For me, I'd LOVE a weekend with my husband but my parents aren't an option (they all live far away and whatever - other stuff). So to me, the biggest thing is them. If they feel they can do it, do it! It's just one night, right???
I wish I had this option. But again, I'm saying that from the standpoint that my husband and I have spend zero time together since Tucker was born except when the kid is sleeping.
Ugh, hard call.
What the hell is up with the men being able to say "whatever you want" because you know if we choose wrong it will be our fault.
DeleteOh Kerri - this is tough. You so need the time away to reconnect. It's so important for us special needs parents to keep our marriages strong. But it's so hard to do.
ReplyDeleteWould it be ok for Boo if you had more than one sitter for the weekend? That way, the caregivers don't get worn out. About the time they're getting tired, reinforcements arrive. Maybe someone for the daytime hours and then your parents for supper, bedtime and overnight? But that would only be ok if the shift change didn't bother Boo. Do any of the aides at Boo's school babysit? We have one or two who do and while we haven't taken them up on it, it's nice to know they are familiar to our family and very good with our Bird.
I hope you get this resolved in a way that all of you feel comfortable. :)
Kerry, all valid feelings I can very much relate too.
ReplyDeleteWhat about your family having the girls one night then driving them to you to share the second night? Hope you come to a solution that everyone "wins". I have only left my three once......mainly as no one really puts their hands up for three! ;) wish I was close and could come and hang out with Boo and Allie xx
GOOOOOOOO! Yes, you'll have to move mountains to do it and that alone will be exhausting but there is simply no way to refresh without handing over responsibility. Of course you would only leave them with someone you trust, so trust them fully. My husband and I just came back from a WEEK in Florida and we had all of these worries. I cannot tell you how my body changed just being away. I'm collecting my thoughts so I can post about it soon.
ReplyDeleteWIshing you the best with the details and hoping for some alone time for you and your husband!
Heather
I say GO too! We have so many of the same struggles you have. My husband is a fireman and works a second job so that I can stay home. We don't see each other often as he is gone three 24 hours shifts a week and works his other job on the off days. I hate leaving Jaden, especially now that he is bigger and his fits are more intense. I don't always feel my parents (in their 60's) can handle him anymore and I know he doesn't understand WHY we are gone. I debated and debated about a trip to Marco Island 2 summers ago. It was our 10 year anniversary and we had always said we would do something fun! Well, up until the morning of the trip I was ready to cancel because it is almost more work than it's worth...or so I thought! I worried about meds, I worried about sleeping, I worried about fits, but all in all, it went great! (Or everyone that helped did a great job of fibbing!!) Do you have any PCA help? We have PCA (Personal Care attendant) help with Jaden daily. It's such a blessing because this way my parents only have him during the night by themselves. I'm happy to share more on that if you'd like information! It's such a great service provided to us for him. I think you should go and enjoy your time. There has to be some type of "normal" and even if it's just for a few days you will come back refreshed and ready to take on life's daily battles!!
ReplyDeleteAnother fire wife! I personally love the 24 hour shifts, it is much better than the 2 days/2night 4 days off shift he used to have.
DeleteWe don't have a PCA, although Boo has an aide at school. I will have to look into that. Thanks!
I think it is good that the two of you decided to go (but I could not do it, so kudos to you!)!
ReplyDelete